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My Own ‘Special’ Groundhog Day

Remember that movie “Groundhog Day” starring Bill Murray?

I was up late one night over the weekend and I came to the conclusion that my life goes on cyclically…..

Like Bill in Groundhog Day.

Follow me.

This is going somewhere.

I promise.

I go on about the things that happen in my life as if they were the norm.  I drive D to various appointments all week, make and use visual schedules, implement sensory diet while trying to keep it interesting (read The Out of Sync Child), practice Diego’s fine and gross motor exercises with him , prompting, social skills practice, you name it we are doing it at some point…these things along with all other things that encompass  mom, wife, and employee are the norm for me.

Sure it is a lot, but it is just how we get down in our house 🙂

It is typical for me to play phone/ email tag with at least 2 member of D’s team weekly. 

Typical to spend many nights….awake….thinking…..worrying…..crying. 

Typical to be stretched very thin and still feel like I haven’t done enough. 

Like there is always something more.

Something I could do better.

Anyway these days pass almost effortlessly for my family (and I’m assuming most of you that are reading this) as we have worked out a rhythm with our nutso schedule.

But…

every so often?

SMACK!!!!

It dawns on me that the way we live isnt typical or very easy for that matter.

Other families have traded our therapies therapy for sports or dance classes, can spontaneously take their child anywhere without thinking about how it sounds, looks, or smells before even really fully entertaining the idea, or may overlook the  little things like “please’ and ‘thank you’ coming out of a 6 year old’s mouth.

I mean why should that be significant to the parent of a typical six year-old child?

I didn’t think anything of it when Lyric spontaneously used his manners at 2. 

It was the way it should be.

Ha!

The way things should be??

Silly naive girl..

Fast forward to today, we are going on 6 and still not getting a ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ unless he is prompted….many times.

I don’t write this with any animosity toward the parents of typical children, so I hope that it doesn’t come off that way.

But I would be a big fat liar if I didn’t blog about the reality of my life and of parents that are  in the same boat as I am.

My child has autism.

MY

CHILD

HAS

AUTISM

We are the 1-110 statistic.

Holy

Shit.

When this dose of reality hits me, I am taken right back to the first day I really knew that D had autism and then I experience every single thing I felt that day all over again.

the

despair

shock

sadness

and

the suffocating  fear

have to be dealt with all over again.

Like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, I try to meet these difficult days with a different approach each time, hoping that I have finally found a way not to let the realization of our autism diagnosis ruin me (as it threatens to do each time this happens).

As time passes some things are so much easier and I see how far our family has come.

But I just can’t seem to get out of this cycle. 

I can’t stop experiencing my own ‘special’ type of groundhog day

I wonder if it will stop?

Am I still in some sort of denial about D’s autism diagnosis?

I have spent so much time this past year, trying to get people to listen to me, to help me help Diego, that I don’t think that I have taken a lot of time to entirely process it all within myself. 

Maybe it is really too much for any of us to process at one time…maybe someone bigger than me knows that I need these lapses of full reality.

*sigh*

I am sorry if this sounds bleak, depressing, or anything along those lines, but I remember a year ago that I promised myself that I would be candid and true to myself while writing this blog. 

So that is what I’m doing 🙂

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About sonidoinquieto

I hate writing bios *bio pending*

12 responses »

  1. oh yes, sister. we get it.
    we’ve been on the autism road for many years now and there are still days when i am absolutely shocked and then grieved that this is life as we know it. those days are few and farther between now. and mostly i just marvel at my girl. but there’s a small part of me that will never be ok with this. and that is actually ok because it keeps me looking to God to be my strength.

    Reply
  2. Like Bill’s character, you’re much better at everything because of this experience than everyone else. You’re a hero, mama.

    Reply
  3. i have these moments so often – yet i will say LESS often than i used to. hugs.

    Reply
  4. So touched by your post Shivon
    Sending you an absolutely giant hug

    Reply
  5. Man, do I get this. I so totally get it. Every so often you feel that squish in your stomach just like it is fresh and new. We’re 5 years post diagnosis, and I can still feel that lurch just like I was right there in that children’s hospital, hearing those words, willing myself to remain vertical. Ugh.

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    Reply
  6. I think what you’re blogging about is so normal for us moms of kids with autism, and I think your entry is a refreshing, honest, candid view and I wish I read more blogs as open as this! We think we’re doing great, then wham, it hits you and you have a day where you almost have to start over. For me, sometimes it’s a day where he’s doing great and I compare to where we were a few years ago, and I got teary at all the work he’s had to do and will continue to do. Sometimes, it’s a day where he’s having meltdown after meltdown or yelling at me or hitting his laptop and I can’t get him to stop, feeling totally ineffectual and like we’ve digressed. But you get up and move on, love him like no other, and it gets better. I don’t know that we ever get ‘over’ it, but maybe that is because we’re so focused on doing better and helping him? It just means we’re never going to give up!

    Reply
  7. Thank you for putting into words what so many of us feel so often. You’re really doing a wonderful job Shivon, and believe it or not, the worrying is part of what spurs us on continually to do our best for our kids. You should never have to apologize for your thoughts, we are happy to hear them!

    Reply
  8. therocchronicles

    I get this, oh man do I get this. What a way to put it–your special groundhog day. I have lived this and all I can tell you for sure is that it will change, it will. But it will take time. I went for so long feeling like every day was repeating itself over and over like you described and just recently (like this weekend–seriously, 3 years after diagnosis) I realized that there are longer stretches between those days of anguish. I still have nights where I lie in bed awake, days when I am suffocating, moments when I am shocked still to my core…but they are stretching out. There are hard days for sure and then there days in which the AUTSIM isn’t the forefront. Life is.

    That is all I know for sure. It will change. You are changing. You will look back on this time and remember it – where you were – as I do reading this. I was where you are, sometimes I still visit there, it’s not an easy place to be…

    I think it is all a part of the healing process. The processing. The personal processing. We autism mommies don’t have a lot of time for the personal processing.

    You’re doing a great job Mama. Wish I was there to give you a hug, buy you a drink, celebrate and shed a few tears.

    Reply
  9. I still come back to the day they added autism to GB’s alphabet soup and fell the same emotions, almost as strong as the first day. Not everyday, but enough days that I KNOW I am not finished processing it. Maybe I never will be. {{{Hugs}}}

    Reply

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