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It started over a Gatorade bottle.

Diego REALLY wanted water in a Gatorade bottle for bedtime.

He had never asked for this before and unfortunately we were out of empty or full Gatorade bottles.


All I thought was this is not going to be good.

I did my best to get the coolest cup I could, outfit it with a straw and attempted to make it sound like it was the BEST CUP EVER!

It didn’t work.

Diego started to lose it.

I walked away for a moment  because sometimes his reaction is a little bit extra if I am right there.  I really hoped that he would just whine about it for a while and then it would pass.

No dice.

So I sent Rickey in to help him, usually Rickey can find a way to diffuse the situation if I can’t.

Things just got worse.

Then D went from Gatorade bottle to only wanting me to turn on his nightlight, despite the fact that Rickey had already turned it on for him. 

If I thought that D was losing it before, I was sadly mistaken.

Diego was crying so loud and so hard that I was afraid he might vomit, he started to hyperventilate and to bang his head against the wall.  Whatever Rickey was doing wasn’t working either.

At this point I had to go in, he was begging for me to turn the nightlight off and then back on. 


How horrible was his anxiety that he was begging for this!?!

So I went in, turned the f*cking nightlight off and back on.  I don’t care if this was reinforcing poor behavior, I just needed to help him. 

Since Diego could no longer perseverate on the nightlight, we were back to the Gatorade bottle.

I was racking my brain to figure out what he needed to calm down. 

We were smack dab in the middle of the worst crisis I have ever had with him, and I had no f*cking idea how to fix it!


It took a lot of silly stories, songs, joint compressions, and deep breathing but after about 15 minutes we got to a point where he could talk without losing it. 

I burrowed next to him in his tiny toddler bed and just laid with him for another 30 minutes…breathing and cuddling. 

Diego finally fell asleep.

He was spent


I was heartbroken.

I HATE autism.


About sonidoinquieto

I hate writing bios *bio pending*

11 responses »

  1. I realize I’m late, but I try to read you blog at least once a month.
    Not being able to find words to say because…I can’t speak comfort to an experience I haven’t had…As I am reading all these comments from friends, family and strangers, I am glad you have an outlet.
    I am glad you are not alone in your experiences with D.
    I am glad you have the courage to share your story, your family, with countless others.

    Love you, Shiv.

  2. relating… totally.

    (( ))

  3. Knowing that I am not alone in this helps….a lot

  4. I’m sorry you had such a rough evening but I congratulate you for you honesty. Autism does, indeed, suck.
    My three children are “neurotypical” as it’s called in Neurodiversity New Speak. Who knew that “normal” would ever be considered an offensive term? Having taught a class of autistic teenage boys (oops! Sorry! That should be “teenage boys with autism” in Neurodiversity New Speak) I am grateful beyond words that my children didn’t fall prey to this horrible disability.
    Children shouldn’t have to become anxiety ridden over the lack of an empty Gatorade bottle. They shouldn’t have to become so overwrought that they smash their heads against walls and gnaw their own wrists bloody. That’s not a pleasant childhood and anyone who, like several bloggers I could mention, pretends to shrug it off as just another way of experiencing the world is lying.
    Yes, we need to do all we can to provide services for people with autism and to treat them with respect and understanding but we, as a nation, should be focusing on finding the cause for what appears to be an epidemic, just like we did for TB and polio.

  5. You are not alone. I could’ve written this myself…

  6. I love you shivmo….. : (

  7. i wish i knew how to make it better.

    we’ve all been there.


  8. You handled it beautifully, and I just know that you made it better for him in many ways. I’m so sorry you had to go through that!

  9. Oh Shivon,
    That sucks so majorly.
    I hate autism too.
    I hate it for what it has stolen from our kids and their loved ones.
    Sending hugs over the ocean…(( ))…

  10. therocchronicles

    Oh sweetie, I’ve been there, this week in fact. I hope today goes better for all of you. Just know that you did everything you could, you are a good mommy!


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