What an incredibly loaded word.
As a child I remember just wanting to be “normal” so bad. Raised by a mother struggling with addiction my life was anything but. “Normal”, back then, was like a million dollars to me.
Fast forward to today.
My quest for normalcy ended when Lyric was born, I found out that “normal” can be quite boring and who is to say what “normal” is anyway?!?
Today my household is anything but “normal” and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. We love each other deeply, annoy each other deeply, have a random family dynamic some days, the house isn’t always “perfect”, but at night when I lay in bed I reflect on how blessed I am.
When I read the article about the woman quoted above murdering her two autistic children, I felt for her. Not a popular reaction, I get it and it doesn’t take away from the fact that I also sobbed for those beautiful children, but I get what it is like to want “normal” so bad.
I also know what it is like to parent a child with an autism spectrum disorder and feel so damn isolated. I know what it is like to question every move you make as a mother. I know the anguish, the moments when reality seems to feel like a punch to the stomach, when you think “Oh my God…this is not going away”. “This isn’t a cold that I can treat with medication and it will disappear, this is my life!!”
So while part of me wants to scream “MONSTER”, another part of me is very sad for her.
This doesn’t excuse what she did.
It is unfathomable.
What a horrible state of mind she must have been in to do such a horrifying thing. I wish that she would have been able to reach out, find a group of people dealing with what she was so that she would know that even on the roughest days “normal” is all about individual interpretation and that there will be better days. Maybe she was depressed, maybe she wasn’t well educated, maybe cultural teachings were a factor.
But I really wish that she would have had someone to tell her that the societal perception of normal doesn’t matter. That her children were amazing human beings that could love and laugh and that at the end of the day loving and laughing is what gets us through.
I wish that she would have come across Jess’s letter, which has gotten me through some incredibly awful days.
I really wish that those two special, beautiful, and amazing children were still alive today.
I am so thankful everyday for every woman on my blogroll, it has been a year since Diego’s autism diagnosis and each one those women have given me so much hope, laughter, and understanding.
In my darkest hour I know that they are only an email away. They have saved me from wallowing in the deepest pits of despair and I am all too aware the value of such support. Especially today as I write about a woman who didn’t have this and the poor babies that suffered so horribly as a result.