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Fog

Its been just about two weeks since my last blog, which found me the lowest I have been since I figured out D had an ASD, and in these past two weeks a lot has happened.  Most of it I spent in a grief-stricken fog, but was present nonetheless.  The most interesting thing about this is that I was completely efficient, which is encouraging….I think…good to know I work well on auto-pilot.

Court happened, a temporary order was made in our favor but D’s father and I have to go back to mediation and the final order will be made in July.  Hopefully it’s said and done at that time.  As bizarre as it is to say (type), D’s dad hasn’t been very hostile to me, in fact I think he looks almost at peace.  I wonder if deep down this takes a load off of his shoulders.  Caring for D requires a lot of energy , patience, and planning most days, and maybe he figured out he wasn’t able to do so.  Anyhow that is what happened with court.

Met with the geneticist and she wants to look closer at D’s chromosomes and will go over everything after that is done.  I am still processing my own devastation at my genetic make-up.

D has been adjusting to the change as best he can.  We had a major tantrum on  Saturday that went a little something like this:

Me: *putting D’s cup of juice next to him in the back room and walking away*

D: “YOU DID NOT GIVE IT TO ME THE RIGHT WAY!!!! *picks up cup and sets it on the counter* “NOW GET IT AND GIVE IT TO ME RIGHT!!”

Me: *thinking* seriously???? did he just order me to hand him the cup??

Me: “Diego since you put your cup back on the counter, you will have to get it yourself.  I will not bring it to you again”

D: “GET ME THE CUP….THE RIGHT WAY!!!”

That went on periodically for two hours, Rickey got home at the hour mark and I was in dire need of a  ‘mommy time out’.  Each time D would walk into a room I was in, screaming about the cup, my entire body would tense up and I would get this horrible feeling in my stomach.  I had pulled out all of the parenting stops I knew, but he just wouldn’t stop screaming for longer than 10 minutes…wait….I think one time I got a bit longer, but not by much. Then as if you had flipped a switch he was done and all was peaceful in our home. 

*sigh*

The past two weeks have been like this, and I understand why, it just hurts me to watch his rigidity get so bad.  I am at a loss for what to do when he gets like that and that makes me feel so useless.  I just want to give him peace.  At school he maintains the best he can, but the daily meltdowns have started again 😦 When Gabby was there he was doing so much better.  We both miss her so much. 

I feel a bit better than I have in two weeks and this keeps me hopeful that the rest of this emotional fog will eventually lift.  I have found myself re reading comments on here for strength and that has helped very much.   

People that “get it” are a blessing

*photo-allvidhaze.com*

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About sonidoinquieto

I hate writing bios *bio pending*

4 responses »

  1. therocchronicles

    Oh girl, the fog is tough–I’ve been there, recently in fact. The behavior stuff is happening here too. I read that exchange and it could have been at our house, word for word, and it’s terribly frustrating–I KNOW!

    Keep your chin up, you’re doing a bang up job! One step at a time, cross things off your list one at a time, pretty soon you’ll feel lighter. I promise.

    Reply
  2. ((Hugs))

    It is so hard, especially the screaming for hours.

    I’m so glad the court hearing went your way. that is some good news.

    Prayers that this too shall pass.

    Reply
  3. Oh honey, get it we do. The fog, the frustration, the anger, the sadness, the fists to the sky – every bit. Even the useless and corrosive guil. over things we could never have known nor controlled.

    It lifts. It’s cyclical – always. It will be better.

    Love you, girl. Stay strong!

    Reply
  4. Oh sweetheart, I have a lump in my throat as I read this. My heart is breaking for you because I truly do understand how absolutely gut wrenching it is when your child’s behaviour and the way they speak to you is so out of balance.
    I know for a fact that this is NOT a result of anything you have or haven’t done and that you are a brilliant mother.
    I know that because you wouldn’t write this with such a heavy heart and so filled with compassion even though you are exhausted beyond comprehension if you weren’t such a great mom.
    I’ll pray for a huge breakthrough in your family and hope you get a really really good rest.
    bless you HEAPS
    Fi xx

    Reply

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