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Panic

Diego is regressing. 

Behavior, play, temperment….all of it.

As if I needed it,  indicators of this are below. 

He hasn’t done this  in ages, but on two separate days this week this is what he has done. 

All of his play has been scripted or things he has learned from his play therapist (pretending  the floor is “hot lava” or “the ocean”). 

When he does the learned play, he says ” I am using my imagination.”

My monster….he is trying so hard.

Every time I see a row of cars or animals, or hear his scripted play, I fight a complete breakdown. 

Although I don’t cry as much as I used to, it seems most of the despair ahs been replaced by pure panic.  I am terrified at the thought of the  future.  So much of our lives feels up in the air and the fear is crippling. 

I have taken a renewed interest in my health, honestly only because the thought of my passing and nobody being here to take proper care of Diego is enough to incite a panic attack. 

I wish that I could explain this feeling that I carry.  It sits in the pit of my stomach,and it never leaves.  If I pay too much attention to it, it renders me helpless. 

So I just try not to.

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About sonidoinquieto

I hate writing bios *bio pending*

4 responses »

  1. Hang in there. Sometimes it seems like the really tough days come right before really good days. But I know what you mean. It’s tough. It’s really tough. Hugs.

    Reply
  2. Wow, I actually hadn’t thought of it like that…..the taking care of my health part so I was here to raise him kinda scared me!
    My mum is the only person in my life who I’d trust to raise him as she totally gets it but she is widowed and in her 60’s and lives 6 hrs drive away so that would mean uprooting my kids from everything they know. And that’s not even an option for autistic kids. Their environment changing freaks them out.
    Thank you for opening my eyes……I’m off to the gym and putting down the chocolate right now! LOL!

    Reply
  3. therocchronicles

    I’m with Jess–no need to explain–we all understand that feeling. Keep breathing girl. Hugs.

    Reply
  4. ‘I wish that I could explain this feeling that I carry.’

    Oh, sister – no need to explain – not in this crowd.  

    Love

    Reply

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