I don’t know where to start today. It has been a rough week, that has found me losing my patience with Diego and not liking him very much. What an awful thing to say and feel, but I am being honest. His behavior has been worsening and that paired with the fact that I haven’t slept a full night in two weeks hasn’t been a great combo. His tantrum last night came resulted in him smacking me in the face. The transition to bed was rough, I raised my voice a bit and he lost it 😦 . It probably wouldn’t have even escalated to a physical level if I had not raised my voice, but I obviously did not have my patience cap on. He also had a very rough day at school, and it just continued at home. I just wanted him to go to sleep, wake up the next day and start anew. It breaks my heart when he gets so frustrated that it results in agression toward himself or me.
I feel so helpless
Today was better but ended with anohter meltdown before bed.
I finally got a copy of the neuro report from the 3/11 visit, and in it she states that she is concerned about his regression and is not sure whether Diego has HFA vs Asperger’s. I emailed her last night about everything and sent her a copy of some things that she didn’t have. It probably wasn’t the most beautifully crafted email as nothing I write these days is, but I hope it got my point across. I am also videotaping Diego to take with us to his evaluation. April 28th seems so far away.
What I am feeling isn’t self-pity, it is a plethora of emotions that can’t really be described in one word. It’s like a fucking roller coaster. I feel like all I do is whine on this blog, but I am only writing about my reality. I talk myself out of just losing it most days by counting the things he does well. I promise that in the middle of our hardest times this is no consolation.