Nobody would really describe me as a super laid back person. I can have fun and be spontaneous, but I am at my best when things are planned, orderly, and under control. I have been like this since I was a child and believe it has been one of the keys to my success in this life.
Since Diego was diagnosed with Asperger’s my “Type A” self morphed into “Anxious Annie” and I can’t stand her. I have never been this anxious, and Asperger’s is to blame.
I now have a hard time trusting my instincts in all things Diego due to the fact all of the signs were there when he was younger and I missed them. I lose sleep over worry about the future….the unknown….I believe Roc’s mommy calls it “anxiety induced insomnia” or A.I.I.
I miss sleep.
Medical professionals that I don’t know from Adam are making decisions that will impact my son for the rest of his life and I can fight and advocate, but at the end of the day I feel that the power lies with them.
I hate that!
I don’t know what caused Diego to have Asperger’s, I don’t know how it will progress, ummm and I just don’t know!!
There are times throughout the day that I am practically paralyzed with fear.
Like I almost have to leave work, but then remember all of the unpaid time I take off for Diego’s therapies, and drag my ass to the bathroom to get it together and make that money.
This anxiety shit is no joke.
The scariest thought is what if something were to happen to me. It is so scary that I won’t even go into detail about it for fear of breaking down.
I think a lot of this is natural, but in my weakest moments I seriously question how much longer I can go on like this. There have been days that I didn’t think that I was going to make it through at all, like just about to pick up the phone, call my doctor, and get admitted to a comfy padded room.
But I have to rememeber that I made it through those times and try to find my extra strength in the fact that I have done so.
without divulging my entire medical history, I have been on a medication ever since my bout with PPD after Diego.
The medication specifically targets anxiety.
This is not that kind of anxiety, it’s different, so I am not going to take other meds and become a zombie.
I just have to get stronger emotionally .
Not being very good at reaching out for emotional support probably doesn’t help me much either, but I have been challenging myself to do so and I am making baby step progress.
Some days I wish all of us ASD mommies that blog lived within ten minutes of each other.
Silly little kid thought, but it would be fabulous 🙂