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Anxious Annie

Nobody would really describe me as a super laid back person.  I can have fun and be spontaneous, but I am at my best when things are planned, orderly, and under control.  I have been like this since I was a child and believe it has been one of the keys to my success in this life. 

But…. 

Since Diego was diagnosed with Asperger’s my “Type A” self morphed into “Anxious Annie” and I can’t stand her.  I have never been this anxious, and Asperger’s is to blame. 

I now have a hard time trusting my instincts in all things Diego due to the fact all of the signs were there when he was younger and I missed them.  I lose sleep over worry about the future….the unknown….I believe Roc’s mommy calls it “anxiety induced insomnia” or  A.I.I. 

I miss sleep.

Medical professionals that I don’t know from Adam are making decisions that will impact my son for the rest of his life and I can fight and advocate, but at the end of the day I feel that the power lies with them. 

I hate that!

I don’t know what caused Diego to have Asperger’s, I don’t know how it will progress, ummm and I just don’t know!!

Not knowing=anxiety

There are times throughout the day that I am practically paralyzed with fear. 

Really. 

Like I almost have to leave work, but then remember all of the unpaid time I take off for Diego’s therapies, and drag my ass to the bathroom to get it together and make that money.

This anxiety shit is no joke.

The scariest thought is what if something  were to happen to me.  It is so scary that I won’t even go into detail about it for fear of breaking down.

I think a lot of this is natural, but in my weakest moments I seriously question how much longer I can go on like this.  There have been days that I didn’t think that I was going to make it through at all, like just about to pick up the phone, call my doctor, and get admitted to a comfy padded room. 

But I have to rememeber that I made it through those times and try to find my extra strength in the fact that I have done so. 

without divulging my entire medical history, I have been on a medication ever since my bout with PPD after Diego. 

The medication specifically targets anxiety. 

This is not that kind of anxiety, it’s different, so I am not going to take other meds and become a zombie. 

I just have to get stronger emotionally . 

Not being very good at reaching out for emotional support probably doesn’t help me much either, but I have been challenging myself to do so and I am making baby step progress. 

Some days I wish all of us ASD mommies that blog lived within ten minutes of each other. 

Silly little kid thought, but it would be fabulous 🙂

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About sonidoinquieto

I hate writing bios *bio pending*

7 responses »

  1. Hi Shivon – I live in San Diego and have a recently diagnosed son who just turned 3…I have been reading your blog (and many on your blogroll) for a few months now and just wanted to reach out. My e-mail is on here (I think? But not published? I’m new to this whole blogging world) and I’d love to exchange e-mails if you are interested. -a fellow San Diego Anxious Annie

    Reply
  2. therocchronicles

    Niksmom hit the nail on the head. You’ve got to let go of wishing you picked it up earlier! Easy for me to say as I went through the same thing, but it’s true. You cannot live in the past, you are doing all you can now, and that is what really matters! Forward progress. Every time you feel the anxiety creeping up breath in and say “Let” breath out and say “GO.” I do that daily.

    Also, the power lies with YOU. The “professionals” may be experts in their field, but you are the expert in YOUR CHILD. Never, ever forget that! You are an equal part of the IEP team and you have the power to change the process. You don’t agree, you don’t sign and you meet again to further discuss. Don’t be afraid to rock the boat on that. I was and I’m paying the price now by having to back track, document, and forge a new path for the Roc. In regard to the professionals–always be nicer than nice while getting your point across and DOCUMENT everything. Keep it in a binder–you will be able to refer back to it later.

    But seriously, you are doing an awesome job! Diego is a truly awesome kid and everyone will be better for having known him, you especially.

    I too wish all of us blogging mommies lived closer or could all go away together. Maybe someday right?

    Keep your chin up girl, you’re not alone. Thinking of you on the other coast!

    Reply
  3. oh, honey .. yes.

    i know you’ve read it, but um .. read it again, k? and look for the parts where it says ‘over time’ .. this is an evolution, my love. no other way, but you’ll get there. you will.

    http://adiaryofamom.wordpress.com/2009/05/01/welcome-to-the-club/

    Reply
  4. It might be worth discussing this anxiety with your doctor and look at, not adding another medication but possibly changing the medication you’re on?

    Ok, now for a little “tough love”…

    When will you FINALLY forgive yourself for not seeing the signs of something you DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT? Your instincts DID tell you something was up you just didn’t know what it was. Now you do and you can re-train some of those instincts. Yes, it is possible.

    And those professionals ARE NOT making decisions for your child…YOU are. You can choose to take their advice or not. Just because they are the ones with all the letters after their names doesn’t mean they know everything there is to know about YOUR son. They do all their evaluating and make all their recommendations in a vacuum; they don’t have to live your life or deal with the consequences of their decisions.

    You need to reconnect with HOPE; it will edge out the fear on many, many days. I’ve said it before that when we let go of HOPE, FEAR wins.

    Diego is SO young and his brain is so elastic right now…there are so many possibilities. All you have to do is CHOOSE A COURSE and try it. You’ll know when you’ve hit the right one…and it will change over the course of time, just like Diego will. Just like ALL children will.

    Do you have a therapist or counselor who you talk to? Ask them to teach you some PHYSICAL things you can do to calm your anxiety in those paralyzing moments…breathing techniques, visualization, meditation…there are things you can DO to help yourself and Diego.

    Keep reaching out. We’re here.

    Reply
    • Thank you for the tough love I need it. I am going to make an appoitnment with my doctor tomorrow, something has to give…maybe a therapist when I find the time…You are right I have lost hope, I’m trying to not let fear take over, I really am

      Reply
  5. Oddly I blogged about my Anxious Annie recently – http://leechbabe.wordpress.com/2010/03/22/depression-ocd-kids-and-medication/

    I too wish us ASD mommies that blog lived closer, it would be so wonderful to be able to support each other in real life.

    The Doctor I’ve been seeing about my Annie’s anxiety said Aspergers Syndrome could also be called Anxiety Syndrome – for the whole family and I think he is right. Once I conquer one worry another rises up to bite me in the bum.

    Reply

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