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Due to unforseen circumstances, my vacation turned into a stay-cation.  Even though we were not going to The Bay area for family, music and gluttony, I was informed that I would take my weekend without the kids by my mother and ex-sister in-law (both of whom were taking care of the boys).  I argued for the opposite pretty extensively but no dice.  I really thought being up in The Bay away from the boys was going to  be so tough to deal with, but being 15 minutes away from them has been excruciating.  I have had this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach about not having the boys with me. 

I get that I need a break, I just don’t know how to take one. 

It feels foreign. 

Like I am forgetting to do something.

I have spent a lot of my time sleeping and hanging out with Rickey. 

It has been very nice, just hard.

Guilt just may be the death of me 😦

With all the time on my hands it has allowed  me to think, probably too much.  I had a bit of a breakdown two nights ago, I think it scared Rickey a bit. 

Ok so it was major.

But through that break down and talking it allout with Rickey, I have realized that I haven’t really accepted all that has happened. 

Some where in the back of my mind I keep hoping I will wake up from this night mare and get back to my “normal” life.  Apparently with things like this the stages of grief apply and I think I am somewhere between sad and angry. 

I love Diego with every fiber of my being, but I am devastated about his Asperger’s diagnosis.  I run on auto-pilot so much because of all that goes on that I haven’t been able to fully sit with the devastation and work through it.  I had a bit of a chance to this weekend,  but its gonna take a lot more time.

I tried to have a phone conversation with Diego a few times over the course of the weekend, but it is very hard for him.  He gets very frustrated with the phone so I didn’t push too hard. 

I went through Diego’s room today to downsize some of his toys. 

Pray for me because he is going to be quite upset when he comes home tomorrow.  One time I threw away a green post-it with his name on it, he noticed the next day and was very unhappy with me.  The toys I got rid of are the toys he doesn’t  really play with and just take up space, but he will notice.  I hope the shelves I put up and a couple of whales that I bought will keep him from fixating on the missing toys.

Our friend came to pick up the toys, he has a very cute two year-old little boy who will get so much use out of them.  I was talking to the little boy and it hit me that he communicated so much better than Diego did at that age, in fact Diego didn’t start communicating as well as this 2-year-old boy until he was about 3 years old. 

Why didn’t I see it then?!? 

I was so concerned with unfairly comparing him to Lyric that I missed it. 

I wrote his demeanor off as being particular, hell I am. 

We joked that he was just ignoring us when he wouldn’t answer to his name. 

Said that we had a future football player on our hands because he was so rough and fearless.

Why was I so blind?? 

I am an educated woman!

I worked pediatrics for 8 years!!

Damn it!

At  Diego’s physicals the doctors mentioned he was behind in his speech, but they shrugged it off mostly, said it was due to the dual languages in our homes and that he would catch up. 

I trusted them. 

I had to wait 6 months to even get a Speech Assessment. 

I feel like I failed him.  I could have started getting him all the services that he needed so much earlier.

How do I get past the guilt??

It almost seems impossible.


About sonidoinquieto

I hate writing bios *bio pending*

2 responses »

  1. therocchronicles

    The guilt, the guilt, I know what this feels like. I couldn’t even write about when I felt it at it’s worst.

    Niksmom is right–don’t worry about the windows closing. I know it’s totally easier said than done though–I did (and sometimes still do). But please try to focus on the present.

    All of this stuff is so hard. You are grieving and it’s okay to jump around between sad, angry, depressed. It’s all normal. The worst times for me were those 6 months around the diagnosis.

    Then I went through another “thing” when he went to kindergarten this fall. I focused so hard on healing him and carried this thought that the ASD would be gone by the time he went to kindergarten…but it was still there. It was hard.

    You have not failed him. Always remember that.

  2. Oh, honey, please don’t beat yourself up for not doing more sooner or missing clues or any of that stuff. It’ll only eat you up and spend the precious energy you need for other things.

    All that stuff about developmental windws closing and such…don’t believe it. Your son will progress at his own pace and with the supports you are giving him NOW. Focus on the present and celebrate the beauty of that boy while you plan and build supports not only for him but for you, too.

    I found this article/blog last night…it sure fits for me. Don’t kow if it fits for you…

    Sending hugs.


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