So far I have had a 7 day workweek….I won’t get a day off until Wednesday.
One of the reasons for this is an 8.5 hour customer service training that was facilitated by the hospital and mandatory to attend.
I have been through a million trainings like this, but this year it was very different for me.
This time when I heard that non-verbal behaviors make up 80% of what we communicate to others, I felt like somebody punched me in the stomach.
When they spoke at length about eye-contact, shaking hands and the extreme importance of body language it took everything in me not to run out of the room crying.
I was panicked.
I mean I knew this, I have developed numerous customer service trainings, but I guess my brain did me a favor by tucking this info away.
All I could think is how hard the kind of things that I do everyday are now and going to be in the future, for Diego.
It’s official I am a mess…..err or have been a mess, but the messiness is increasing…whatever…
I’m not depressed, I know that.
But I am extremely fatigued, I am very worried, and I am mad.
Usually perspective helps.
I know our situation is not the worst ever.
This doesn’t help me at all.
To me it feels like the worst and I am so very angry that I can’t give Asperger’s back.
My entire life has changed in 6 months and nobody physically in my life really understands how devastating this has been for me.
Rickey is amazing and I thank God for the fact that he is here everyday and that he loves me and the kids so much, but even he dismisses my hurt and fear. He isn’t good with emotions I get that, but I just wish he would be a little bit more understanding.
So I don’t really discuss this with him.
I don’t really discuss how I am feeling with anyone, probably for fear of judgement or being seen as weak and emotional (my pride at it’s finest…or not).
I am Diego’s mother.
God chose me for this.
So I am supposed to be strong and just get through it.
Not sit and bitch about how unfair it all is.
So I don’t.
Well except for here.
Even angry and sad I never fail to see the progress Diego has made and hopefully will continue to make.
Diego is so amazing and strong. He never ceases to make me laugh and I am so full of love with him in my life.
I believe God throws little reminders my way to keep me going.
I am thankful for that.
The most recent little reminder is Diego’s new teacher. When I met with the teachers last Wednesday I gave them each a packet specific to Diego’s attributes and challenges (it was about 6 full pages). When I dropped Diego off at school on Friday, Ms Kali, his new teacher looked at me and said “I read the packet, it was very thorough and I don’t have any questions right now.”
She read the packet, she took her own time to sit and read about my baby and somethings she could do to help him.
I tried really hard not to cry as I thanked her.
None of Diego’s teachers past or present have ever taken the time to read any info that I have given to them. There is one teacher’s aide that is open and receptive to what is going on and she has helped quite a bit. Without her I don’t know what I would have done for the past few months. The teacher’s aide Ms Gabby has paid attention to the things that affect Diego during the day and has served as somebody that he can trust and get a “bear hug” from when he needs that input.
I am very thankful that I get these reminders. See!, even in the midst of self-pity I can recognize a blessing when I get it 🙂