I am having a crappy week and it is only Tuesday. I am having a week that begs to ask DOES THIS EVER GET BETTER?!?!
I hate it when this happens.
I want to kick myself in the ass when I get like this.
Logically I know I don’t have it the worst, but it FEELS very bad and logic is not going to prevail soon enough.
My entire life is spent scheduling appointments around work and life, avoiding melt downs, finding creative ways of achieving sensory input for Diego, reading about Aspergers, cleaning, cooking (on occasion), and working. I can’t remember a time when I just sat and took a breath without this horrible wound up feeling. As much as I love Diego his issues make me anxious as hell and I am always trying to manage things to avoid the rage and meltdowns.
I feel like a prisoner to Aspergers and if I feel bad then Diego must feel worse. Or maybe he doesn’t because maybe he doesn’t quite get that Aspergers rules our lives.
Lyric, my sweet beautiful little boy, has decided to grow up.
Who said that could happen?!?!
I am doing all I can to be sure he doesn’t feel neglected in this madness. He told me yesterday that I was too strict because I wouldn’t let him run the streets with the older (questionable) boys next door.
This is major for Lyric, he is the child that has NEVER told me no or thrown a tantrum in his life!!
He is gonna try to rebel soon, I can feel it.
Rickey….when D was diagnosed I told Rickey that I would understand if he wanted to leave. He had already signed on to an instant family when we started dating, but one with autism??
Needless to say he thought I was a fool for even mentioning it and is still hanging around.
He even asked me to marry him in the middle of it all.
He is amazing, but I would lie if I said that our relationship hasn’t taken a back burner to the madness.
I miss him so much.
By the time he usually gets home from work I am half asleep on the couch exhausted from my emotionally draining full-time day job and from being mommy all evening (fellow special needs moms know what this entails). When he is home early our time is spent managing Diego, and helping Lyric with various things.
There is not much adult conversation until the boys go to bed
Where is the balance???
I feel like I have to stay on top of everything so that nothing falls apart.
I am afraid that I’m not doing such a great job.
Starting in Feb, everything just gets crazier.
The real fight with the school district begins,the court custody case with Diego’s father begins, along with our usual busy schedule and LIFE.
I am getting married in October and I haven’t started anything!!
All of my extra money (ha! extra!) is going to Diego’s therapies, Lyric’s braces, and whatever the hell else comes up.
I don’t know how to ask for help.
I feel bad about it and like a burden.
I should be able to do this!
But I have no clue how I’m going to.